Suz's Journal

Delirious is being re-released on February 6!!

No more $200 deposits to rent it...yippppeeeeeee

Sneak preview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpLhdsZuHs8&mode=related&search=

Bridget will no longer respond to me with yes or no. Instead, I'm getting deal or no deal. To top it off she sometimes insists that I tap fists with her. No more Howie for you little girl...you're three years old therefore you can only watch Treehouse and CBC kids.

Today I tried to shovel. All was going well, scoop after scoop of fresh snow, not enough to curse at but just enough to require shovelling, and then it happened...Riley came running across the street. For those of you who don't know Riley he is the "rotund" five year old who refuses to leave other people alone when they are outside taking care of their property. The neighbours look around before trying to accomplish any sort of yard work as they are terrified Riley will descend upon them. It’s like watching the neighbours on “Keeping Up Appearances “ trying to escape Mrs. Bucket only instead of a delusional middle aged house wife we’re dealing with a delusional fat kid with no social or language skills. Come to think of it, his whole story reeks of Britishness. His mother is fresh out of puberty, no father in the picture, living in a nice house being paid for by the government, and the kid practically lives in a tracksuit.

Anyways, I digress. He must have super hearing as I was barely out of my house when he magically appeared. The wonder of it all, however, is that given his robustness you do not hear him running across the pavement or through the snow. Instead, you’re simply scared shitless as you turn around and BAM – he’s in your face. I thought I should start off by being polite to him; after all he is only a child, how dangerous can he be?

“Hi Riley.”

“How do you know my name?”

Well, you’ve been my nemesis since May 2005. How could I possibly forget your name?

“Riley you come over talking to me every time I’m outside of course I know your name by now.”

“Oh. What are you going at now b’y?”

“Well I’m going to shovel all this snow. Would you like to help?” I am a huge fan of getting kids involved in household activities – which is my new PC way of saying that I support child labour. Shovelling, dusting, vacuuming, sewing while handcuffed to a machine, all great character building activities, not mention the fabulous tight stitching.

“Sure I don’t got no shovel girl.”

“Well I have to get shovelling because I have to get to class.”

“I’m in kindergarten you know.”

“Are you? That’s nice.” No wonder so many teachers just left the province.

“Well Missus b’y I’ll let you shovel. I’ll come over after and show you my monster trucks.”

“Ok Riley. See you later.”

With that he proceeded to go back to his property (thank goodness) and shout at his house. I’m not kidding. He stood under a window and shouted, “Aunt Polly, my pants are wet.” Sadly, rather than thinking about sending him for psychiatric evaluation all I could think about was my property value. With him living across the street I’ll never be able to sell.

Drunkard steps out of bar with a friend and eyes group of young ladies standing in street.

Drunkards: (in unison) Hey ladies!

Ladies: (in unison) <>

Drunkard number 1: How are you doing tonight?

Ladies: (in unison) fiiinnnneeee <>

Drunkard number 1 occupies the attention of ladies 1,2 and 3 while lady 4 is left with Drunkard number 2.

Drunkard number 2: Hey Missus....I tink I loves you.

Lady number 4: Really? <>

Drunkard number 2: Yeah, you gives me a bit of a boner.

Lady number 4: Just a bit of a boner?

Drunkard number 2: If you seen what I drank tonight you'd be impressed by that.

Lady number 4: Naturally.



Funniest thing that has ever happened on George Street. I will now proclaim my love for everyone and follow it up with "you gives me a bit of a boner"
Hope that's okay.

My computer is back!

With a brand new hard drive....purrs like a kitten

I am in SUCH an unpleasant mood.

While I do believe some of the following programs are useless and deserved to be cut, many offer long term economic spin off's which could put Harper's nuts in a vice if he remains in power for any amount of time. At school, and by school I mean my soci class where I'm surrounded by idiot Artser's, many are pissed off over the cut in the Youth International Internship program. Personally, I don't see the issue. Traveling abroad does not necessarily make one more employable so why should the government support your extended holiday? Pay for it yourself if you want it bad enough. Really, focus should be drawn to the number of ingrates who take advantage of the social net such as those unnecessarily collecting EI, SA, and disability benefits. One look at Newfoundland and there would be no need for such a drastic cut in programs as you could make the lazy citizens of Arsehole Tickle and the jealous Townies go do some work.
As for the Artser's not being able to get a job - you should have thought about that before you knowingly completed a useless degree. Editors note: this does not apply to my two best friends whom I know will go on to achieve great things in life. Granted, I'm certain these great things will have no reflection on your Arts "degree"



2006 Federal Conservative Government Cuts

Canada Policy Research Networks ELIMINATED

Canada School of Public Service FUNDING REDUCTION

Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation FUNDING REDUCTION

Canada Revenue Agency Visitor Rebate Program ELIMINATED

Canadian Heritage Centre for Research and Information on Canada FUNDING ELIMINATED

Canadian Heritage Support to Canadian Volunteerism Initiative ELIMINATED

Canadian Labour Business Centre ELIMINATED

Canadian Policy Research Networks FUNDING ELIMINATED

Canadian Volunteerism Initiative ELIMINATED

Community Access Program, internet access for communities at libraries, post offices, community centers ELIMINATED

Court Challenges Program ELIMINATED

Court Commission of Canada ELIMINATED

Environment: Youth International Internship Program ELIMINATED

First Nations and Inuit Tobacco Control Program ELIMINATED

Foreign Affairs and Public Diplomacy Program ELIMINATED

Foreign Affairs Youth International Internship Program ELIMINATED

Health Canada $28.1 MILLION REDUCTION

Health Canada Policy Research Program ELIMINATED

Health Canada Medical Marijuana Research Program ELIMINATE

Human Resources and Skills Development SIGNIFICANT FUNDING REDUCTIONS

HRD Adult Learning and Literacy programs REDUCED AND ELIMINATED

HRD Youth Employment Programs REDUCED AND ELIMINATED

Indian and Northern Affairs Canada FUNDING REDUCTION

Industry Canada Programs including Technology Partnerships Canada FUNDING REDUCTION

Industry Industrial Programs including Technology Partnerships Canada FUNDING REDUCTION

LAW Commission of Canada ELIMINATED

Mountain Pine Beetle Initiative ELIMINATED

Museum Assistance Program FUNDING REDUCTION

National Defence High-Frequency Surface Wave Radar Project ELIMINATED

Natural Resources and Environment Climate Change Programs, including the One Tonne Challenge, 40 public information offices across the country, and several scientific and research programs on climate
change, 40% BUDGET CUT

Natural Resources Programs for Studying Concrete and Other Materials ELIMINATED

Public Works and Government Services Canadian Identity Grant and Contribution Program ELIMINATED

Royal Canadian Mounted Police Drug Impaired Driving Program Training Budget ELIMINATED

Statistics Canada SIGNIFICANT REDUCTIONS

Status of Women Canada, SIGNIFICANT BUDGET CUT

Status of Women Canada mandate CHANGED; EXCLUDES "gender equality and political justice"

Status of Women, advocating, policy research and lobbying TOTALLY BANNED

Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada FUNDING REDUCTION

Workplace Equity/Employment Equity Program SIGNIFICANT REDUCTION

While I'm not a huge Robbie Williams fan, I do enjoy the fact that he teamed up with my precious Little Britain folk to pull off this...

How is this number 3 in the UK? How?!

While this may not be the next chapter of the Book of Chav, it is in keeping with the general theme.

Mount Pearl Barbie:

This princess Barbie is only sold at Winners, beside the ten dollar pleather shoes. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV; a longhaired dog named Honey, and a fully mortgaged
house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.


Cowan Heights Barbie:

This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education, but has exceptional skills at
spending Kens money and ordering in expensive restaurants. Traffic-jamming cell phone included.



Shea Heights Barbie:

This recently paroled, tattooed & nose pierced Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a lifted Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for
in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop; then, we don't know what you're talking about!


CBS Barbie:

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Keith's and a Hank Williams, Jr.CD set. Purchase her
pickup truck separately and get a Monster Truck Meet bumper sticker absolutely free.


Airport Heights Barbie:

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at her rented out basement apartment. (Percocet prescription available upon
request).


Goulds Barbie:

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Credit cards are not available for either Barbie or Ken.


Buckmaster Circle Barbie:

This Barbie comes with a 1984 Trans am with expired plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no carseats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pick up truck loaded 10 feet high with fire wood. She can
spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass.


Bayman Barbie:

This blonde bombshell has permed hair, a large gold slave ring, and has been with Ken since she was 14 years old. He works on the oil rigs, 3 weeks on and 3 weeks off. Accessories include a new ski-doo for the winter, a quad for the summer and a cabin in the woods for those long weekend getaways. Often seen in Ken's 2007 Black F350 extended cab pickup, she has her name written above the passenger door handle while
Ken's is prominently displayed on the driver's side. Optional Beagle for the back of the pick up is available during hunting season only. Act now and receive a free "SurfStyle" purple track suit with Hi Top Reebok sneakers to complete the outfit!

Chave Female a.k.a. Chavette

According to the Daily Mail, the females of the species pull their shoddily dyed hair back in that ultra-tight bun known as a 'council-house facelift', wear skirts that would be better described as wide belts and tops that expose too much. It is true that stillettos are the favoured alternative footwear to trainers.
Hair tends to be bottle-blonde and scraped back into a ponytail, with lots of mousse and/or hairspray, scrunchies, etc.

Chav Male a.k.a. Chavo

He wears an England shirt at least three times a week, spanking white trainers, trackie bottoms, and a hard shifty expression. Attitude is everything, as is the latest cap (the cap logo changes on a regular basis).
A shaved head is good. Otherwise, hair stencilling is equally popular - with free styles as well as football team logos and favourite brands like Nike all the rage. Other favourites include slick partings, fringe flicks, curtains, and loads of hair gel.

Sorted!

Next time: Chapter Four - Chav Talk

My good friend Stephen, whom I adore like no other, gave me several gifts upon my departure from the Treatment Centre. One of the items was a book on "chavs". You Canadian readers are probably asking, what is this chav my uproarious and somewhat quirky friend Suzanne speaks of? Well, my loyal followers I shall answer this burning question with excerpts from this WONDERFUL book of intelligent, I’m so above this socio-economic background, facts about this new social backlash which is burning a giant whole in the pockets of UK tax payers (such as myself – note the bitter tone at my not having yet received my refund).

Chapter 1: Chav History

Definition of chavs:
- non educated delinquents
- the burgeoning peasant underclass

Chavs are identifiable by their attitude and clothes. Chavs want money and lots of it, but don’t want to work for it.

Chavs can be found far and wide, across the country, but go by differtent names depending on the location. In Scotland, on the West Coast, you’ll find Neds (some say this is short for ‘non-educated delinquents’, others say it’s short for Edward, as in teddy-boy). On the East Coast of Scotland they are known as Schemies (as in ‘housing scheme’). Moving southwards to England, the range of names is staggering. In Liverpool they’re called Scallies. Kev is quite common around London. Then you have Janners, Smicks, Spides, Moakes and Steeks, plus Bazzas, Pikeys, Carvers Scuffheads, Stigs, Stangers, Yarcos, and Kappa Slappers (kappa for girls who wear kappa branded tracksuits, slapper as in a promiscuous or crude female).

Although the general feeling is that the chav name comes from the place of Chatham in Kent, it seems it has quite strong gypsy connections. Chatham has had gypsies living in it for generations. Interestingly, Chavi is the Romany word for child. By the late 1800’s, Chavi was used to refer to an adult male. Another gypsy connection is the word Charver (Romany for prostitute).

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: “Chav Spotting”

Why do pedestrans on campus think they are immune to my wanting to run them down? It's like they think that because they're on a crosswalk they can just walk in the road. I mean, most people try to stop to let them cross but sometimes you're just not able to. Meanwhile, these morons think that nothing can hit them. Most of them probably haven't even seen a crosswalk before in their dinky outport towns. I'd like to see them try London for one day...not that they'd last a full day but I'll give the benefit of the doubt.

Stay tuned for more commentary on innocent (read stupid) MUN students.

James Morrison is wicked awesome...why did I leave before the concert?!! WHY?!!

In even less exciting news, classes start tomorrow. Where does the time go?!

After spending a few days in London last week, Mom and I both thought it will be nice to get home and see everyone. It was, but as I suspected the novelty wore off after a few days. It was nice to catch up with Heather even if it was brief, and it was nice to drive through an intersection rather than worry about the crazy nature of a round about. Now, the realization has set in that I have to be in the province of shitty music and bad dialect for two terms. Can I do it? Stay tuned to find out.

As of tomorrow you can take a piece of hand luggage on board flights leaving the UK (except if you're going to the US that is, but what do I care about them). That means I don't have to use a clear baggie! I was totally going to have write DKNY or LV all over it to make it seem better than all of the other travellers.

So I guess you all know about the goings on in the United Kingdom today...or you should be ashamed of yourself if you haven't heard you ignorant Canadian you.

The good news is I got out of Heathrow yesterday under totally normal circumstances, or as normal as Heathrow can be I guess. But the bad news is, one passenger who was quoted on yahoo! seems to think differently than most level headed travelers. This is why I hate young people. Check it out:

Hannah Pillinger, 24, seemed less concerned by the announcement. "Eight hours without an iPod, that's the most inconvenient thing," she said, waiting at the Manchester airport.

Yes. That's the MOST inconvenient thing about foiling a terror plot on your country, you don't get to listen to your iPod. Are you fucking serious?

Tell me you're getting American versions of this on the other side of the Atlantic!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIBKN-TwZl0

So....I've entered a whole new level of procrastination. It's ridiculous. The university offered me an extension and I said no. In fairness, I still plan to have it in on time as I don't want to be working on it when Mom arrives. But, it will be a busy weekend I'm afraid. Martha is off so I guess I'll hole myself up in the Chester office if it's not too hot.

Argh...why are there work reports for those of us work term students who actually work. I know it's only a select few but still. The ones spending their time photocopying like proper interns should have to do a report because they're a lazy bunch of arseholes, but me - no I should be at Amore with the rest of the imaging department having a good time.

Most ridiculously wicked weekend ever!

Now back to work...